


Not Safe To Do So (But I'd Do Anything For You)

by Phantisocial



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Adoption, Angst, Blood, Coming Out, Depression, Homophobia, Hospitalization, Hurt!Dan, M/M, Overdose, Phan - Freeform, Self Harm, attempted suicide?, carehome, hurt!phil, self hatred, teen!phan, teenage!phan, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 21:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4682843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantisocial/pseuds/Phantisocial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I thought you loved me, Phil." He knew he shouldn't be saying those words, twisting his boyfriends feelings but he can't help it. He wants to feel loved and wanted but Phil doesn't want to come out and that hurt him; that really hurts him.</p><p>"I do!" Phil protested straight away, tears almost sliding down his cheeks as he pulls at his jumper. </p><p>"Then tell them." He didn't realise how close his words would take him to loosing Phil, forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Safe To Do So (But I'd Do Anything For You)

Hi! This was inspired by a video I just watched and I wanted to write a short one shot for it to raise awareness of the subject. Unfortunately, even with gay marriage and relationships starting to become more common now - there is still a disgusting hatred against people coming out. I wrote this to show that it isn't always safe to come out - even if you feel that's best for your partner. Your health and well being is extremely important and sometimes coming out can be dangerous - please make sure that if you ever find yourself in this position that you make sure it is safe to come out to people who love you. 

"Come on, Phil - we've been together for three years now. Surely it's time to tell you parents we're dating?" He tried to protest as he saw the resolute expression on his boyfriend's face. 

"Dan, I can't." Phil mumbled as he rubbed the white tip of his Converse into the the gravel. "You don't understand," Phil whispered as he wrapped his arms around himself, taking deliberate care to keep his sleeves wrapped over his hands. 

Dan immediately felt a pang of hurt as he stared at Phil's curled in form. "You're not - you're not ashamed of me are you?" He tried, knowing that his words were essentially emotional blackmail but he needed this and he thought Phil would too. Ever since they'd started dating Phil had wanted to keep every moment of their relationship secret and out of the way of the public eye. 

Phil yanked his gaze back up to him panickedly before the words spilled out of his mouth anxiously. "No, no, Dan," he babbled over and over, " I love you to pieces; you know that." 

Dan smirked to himself slowly before picking his words carefully. "So there no reason that we can't then - is there." He made sure to use such protected words - he'd always thought that something was going on with Phil that his boyfriend had never told him about. 

Phil kicked at the gravel angrily before he slumped forward. "No I guess not," he murmered coldly, rejecting his attempts of a hug at the news. "But I'm doing it by myself - I'll call you once it's over." 

He wasn't going to protest with that- he was finally getting his boyfriend to come out to his parents and then they'd be able to go out in public for dates and he could show the world just how much he loved Philip Michael Lester.  
******  
"Faggot!" His dad screamed, angry red patches darkening on his cheeks. "Your mother and I never raised you to be such a disgusting freak!" 

And that was when it started, large fists beating down against his rib cage. A heavy boot crunched down on his stomach, making him retch violently with nothing in his stomach to come back up. 

"I'll make you wish you we're never born," his father threatened as he threw him like a rag doll against the wall. "I already do, I never stopped wishing for that," he thought desperately as his father tightened a fist around his throat, chocking off his air supply.   
*******  
He lifted the blade to the milky white skin of his inner wrist again, tears flowing desperately out of his eyes as he sobbed brokenly. He let the silver blade drag down the supple skin with an eerie ease, the blade instantly cutting through the soft skin.  He felt the release flow through him at the cuts he made, a desperate criss crossed pattern running vertically and horizontally across his arms.

"Freak, worthless, faggot, useless, deserve to die," the words spun around in his head as brought the razor blade back down to his wrist again. "I deserve this," he sobbed as the blood poured freely out. 

He wrapped his arms around his knees as he waited for the bleeding to stop. Feeling far too light headed and dizzy than he normally did; he looked down with apprehension at his arms, surveying the mess he'd made of his wrists. He retched again when he saw it- the blade trickingly contently down his pale wrists, creating a disgusting contrast against him. 

"I deserve this," he whispered as he felt dizzy again, his head lolling backwards as he fought for consciousness.    
*****  
Dan smiled contently as he heard the familiar ring of his phone when he saw it was "Little Lion Philly" calling. 

"How did it go?" He babbled excitedly, his mind a wash with all the things that they could do now. Soft kisses in public, holding hands when their walking, public dates.

"D-Dan, b-b-bad 'n' blo-blood, l-l-lots of b-b-blood," Phil half sobbed and half slurred down the phone, his cries increasing and then diminishing erratically. He was putting his shoes on instaneously, lacing up his Converse with shaking fingers. "Stay on the line, baby, I'm on my way," he promised as he grabbed a random pair of keys out the cupboard. 

As soon as he reached Phil's house, he looked on in shock. The house looked so normal, the lights off in all the appropriate rooms and then he noticed it. A very small something at first but the front door was left ajar and there smashed bottle of beer lay there in a glimmering pile.

He bolted up the stairs to Phil's room at a speed that would have put the school's track team to shame. He burst into the room and took one look, trying vehemently to blink away the quickly approaching sting of tears. Phil's entire wrist looked to be a vicious canvas of self hatred in it's entirety. 

"What did you do, " he sobbed as he took in the sight of the empty packets of pain killers and blood stained razors. 

He failed the ambulance with shaking hands as he garbled to the person on the phone - "boyfriend, blood, pills." 

He watched as twenty minutes later the amulance brought Phil into it's confines and started emergency first aid so Phil could have his stomach pumped as soon as he reached the hospital. 

"I'm sorry son- you can't come with us. Phil here needs to go straight in for pumping when we get there so we can't let you come." The paramedic explained sympathetically as he placed a hand on his shoulder. 

"But- but please," he cried as he saw the paramedic jump back into the ambulance and drive away, leaving him crying in the middle of the street.   
***

"You've been cutting yourself," Dan whispered softly- it wasn't a question. 

"Dan - I- i," he protested instantly but his words trailed off - what could he say? It was clear now/ he couldn't deny it. His wrists were bandaged up for Heaven's sake - they'd had to stitch up the vertical cuts and he'd winced when he saw the stitches not because it had hurt but because he never did it that way- it was impossible to make up an excuse about vertical cuts going up the veins.

"I love you," he whispered sadly as a year trickled down his cheeks. "I love you and I- I had to see a social worker this morning because, because my f-fa-father a-abuses me and I, I c-c-cut myself..." 

Dan was by his side in seconds, crawling onto the bed next to him and wrapping his arms around him softly. "That was why you didn't want to tell your parents," Dan murmered into his hair. 

"He beat me for being gay, Dan. He broke my fucking wrist and my rib and I don't want to be gay, I hate being gay." He whispered as he watched Dan place gentle kisses down his hands. 

Dan looked at him with fear in his eyes and he understood instantly. "No Dan, I'm not breaking up with you. I love you and I love the way you make me feel and I love being gay with you even though that sounds sappy. Being in love with you and have you as my boyfriend makes the beatings worth it in a way because every day I get to wake up and see you soon after." He explained as he threaded his hand into Dan's. 

"I wish you could have told me but I understand why you didn't - I love you so much lion. What happens next?" 

He licked his lips nervously as he cuddled further into his boyfriends protective embrace. "I'm going to be taken into care for a while until my auntie can adopt me, she only lives a few streets away from you, barely a five minute walk. I have to have therapy, lots of it. They think I tried to kill myself," he whispered at the end. 

He watched as sadness coursed through Dan's eyes, "I never want to leave you, Dan. I just - I wanted to leave myself and all of the bad stuff and cutting takes away some of the pain and I guess I got carried away." He mumbled.

"I'll be safe with my auntie and we can be happy and my fathers going to be sent to prison and we can go on dates in public and do every- thing we wanted too," he smiled. 

Dan tightened the hold around him and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "I love you," he murmered as Dan kissed him. 

"I love you too, Philly. You're going to be safe now and I'm going to be with you through everything," Dan whispered as they embraced.

And for once, Phil felt secure and safe. As long as he had Dan he was ready to take on anything, even if it meant getting a bit hurt along the way.


End file.
